Feb 28, 2010

My father and I launched the "Lady Anne" one fine day and were rowing the wineglass-sterned dory up the Sheepscot in Maine when all of a sudden this black varnished blade comes flying down river like a bat out of hell, flags snapping in the wind and knife-edge cleaving the waves. All I caught, besides the name 'Liberty' on the barrelback stern and a mouthful of spray was a glimpse of the most beautiful boat I had ever seen. And it was.

My thoughts returned to Liberty the other day because John Malone, the owner, was in the news making another billion-dollar bid for one of the few media companies he doesn't already own or control. I wish him all the happiness and freedom a gorgeous expensive yacht can bring. For my money, I'd be much happier with something more along these lines - since I've found that small and simple can be just as pretty as big, and is sometimes way more fun. Yeah, I'll take liberty with a small "l" any day.

Feb 24, 2010

Been in the weeds these last few weeks - One Up! is a big hit, and we've already had to restock up, twice. While we're at it, we thought we'd run a quick and easy giveaway:

"If your name became an eponym (for example an Einstein is someone who is smart; Darwinian means survival of the fittest) what would it represent?"

Example: Chenswold - n. Any situation, esp. sartorial, where aesthetics > ethics. "He's got himself into a bit of a chenswold with those white shoes, hasn't he?"

The person with the cleverest response, sent by the Ides of March to "Call me" will receive 'One Up! - Are you game?', as well as some (unnecessary) Smart Pills.

Feb 2, 2010

We just launched our newest product yesterday, a kind of mental soup in a can, and the response has been overwhelmingly positive. Thank you smark alecks! Check it out, and One Up! all your friends and enemies now.

Jan 26, 2010

I was at a party the other night where I met a couple of ex-pat Russian money-men, and even though we couldn't agree on much, like the obvious - (I contend America's ideal of liberty and the might behind it won WW II, their argument is the sheer number of Soviets lost; 20 million men, women and children vs. our 380,000 soldiers or so turned the tide) - we did all agree on one thing: this is without a doubt the greatest document in the history of the universe:

If you haven't read it lately, I'd recommend it. I mean, never mind the audacity of the idea, just feast your eyes on this prose:

"Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world."

UPDATE: After listening to the President's eloquent State of the Union address, I realize the beauty of the writing on this single piece of paper is in the profound ideal it incarnates, not the words themselves. And the sincere commitment to this principle, from politicians no less, makes it magnificent and nothing short of astounding.

"And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor."

Jan 21, 2010

The 'Ten Commandments' is a classic movie. Period. We just watched it the other day(s) - it's long - and one of the kids asked me what the Ten Commandments are. I could only name 8 off the top of my head. On a kind of related note, I heard a joke at a party last night: "Do you know 3 French words? Yeah, 'bonjour', 'merci' and... 'surrender'." Kidding aside, I started thinking about numbered (lists of) things, which should be part of our general knowledge, but that don't seem to be taught anymore. So just for the fun of it, here's a test I came up with to see if you're smart enough for an Uppityshirt:

Hippocrates said "First, Do..." what?

What's the 2nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution?

Name the 3 Stooges.

What do the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse represent?

What's the 4th Estate? Bonus: what are the first 3?

Who are the 7 Dwarfs?

The 7 Deadly Sins? Bonus: 7 Virtues?

What are the 7 Wonders of the World?

What's the 8th Wonder of the World?

What are the 10 Commandments?

What are the 13 original (American) colonies?

How'd you do?

Jan 11, 2010

Some of the blog entries we come up with resonate with our readers, and some don't. And some really don't. So we decided to re-run an episode from last spring that we had written about then and subsequently took off the website because of all the 'How could you?' feedback we received, to see if on reconsideration anyone else still thinks it's our sophomoric, unfunny low:

Took the kids to visit their cousins down in North Carolina over spring break, and on my way back home pulled into "Fast Stop Number 2" (which is literally on the other side of the tracks) to pick up some "Thunderbird," which you can't get around here. Picture this: it's 7 a.m., I've got 5 home-made Easter Bonnets in the front seat with me (we had stopped at the parade in New York on the way down), 60 pounds of wild-boar sausages (my brother has a catering company), luggage, 3 kids and 2 Great Pyrenees "puppies" that I had just bought the night before from a breeder in E. Treestump, Tennessee. (I felt kinda sorry for the state trooper who stopped us in West Virginia.)

So I go into FS#2 (which is also the Greyhound bus station) and there are 6 bottles of Thunderbird left in the cooler, along with a pint of Night Train, and I'm standing in line with both arms full (there was also a 3-cigars-for-a-dollar special at the counter) when the guy behind me in line says "That's what I'm talking about."

Fast forward to the other night - we're having dinner with some friends and the wife, let's call her "Kick", tells me "Preston is going out tonight and I've got a great movie I want to watch." I said "I've got some company for you" and gave her the bottle of Night Train since I had just given the last bottle of Thunderbird to the dishwasher repair guy. She said thanks, I'll just curl up on the couch and get all cozy when I get home.

I happened to talk to Kick yesterday - she wanted me to pick up her daughter from tap dance - and I asked her "Did you get on the train the other night?" She said "What train?" "The Night Train." Long pause. Long. "Oh." "My." "God."

I'm going to conclude this unfortunate digression with a quote from bumwine.com - "Don't let the 0.5% less alcohol by volume fool you, the Night Train is all business when it pulls into the station. Some suspect that Night Train is really just Thunderbird with some Kool-Aid-like substance added to try to mask the Clorox flavor. But the night train runs only one route: sober to stupid with no roundtrip tickets available, and a strong likelihood of a train wreck along the way. All aboard to nowhere - woo woo!"

Jan 6, 2010

How about a quick no-brainer contest: first person to tell us which films these classic lines come from wins an i,000,000 Uppityshirt.

Here goes:

"Into the garbage chute, flyboy!"

"You know what's wrong with you? Nothing!"

"That'll be the day."

"Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine. "

"You look so beautiful I can hardly keep my eyes on the meter."

Jan 5, 2010

“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers,” Dorothy Parker once quipped, “the second-greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of ‘The Elements of Style.’ The first-greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”

In April of 2009 Pearson/Longman published a 50th anniversary edition of this timeless classic, which I just found out about recently. So, I got my 1979 copy down off the shelf and re-read it. Good, sound fundamentals and advice, still. Or as the writer Roger Rosenblatt put it, "you really ought to know the rules before you break them."

From the Principles of Composition Chapter, #17:

"Omit needless words. Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell."

Jan 3, 2010

XXX marks the spot.

Johnny Mustard's "What's in a name?" contest for the best porn-star name, real or imagined, (we've included a handy DIY formula) proved to be so popular that we're running a second round - let's just remember to keep the party polite ladies and gentlemen.

Jan 1, 2010

And the winner is...

There was a great response to "10 Common Cents Questions" and several people almost got all the right answers. So even though there wasn't a clear winner, we're going to award Brandon S. Rubenstein the prize, for his A+ effort and erudition. Thanks to everyone who entered, and stay tuned for more gray-matter fodder!

Here are the answers: 1.) Australia 2.) John Kiley, organist 3.) Canada 4.) Banana 5.) Wayne Gretzsky 6.) Homocide 7.) 0 (many different scenerios) 8.) Martin Van Buren 9.) They use the lunar calendar 10.) Synecdoche

Dec 20, 2009

Poetry in Motion in motion.

Thought you might like to hear about an unusually literate row going on now in the New York underground, which I read about in NY magazine's 'Reasons to Love New York 2009' issue: "When you pick a fight with a poet, you expect to win. You are likely to be outmatched, however, if the poet you are up against is Alice Quinn. Quinn is a legend of verse in New York. She served as poetry editor of The New Yorker for twenty years and can recite 140 Emily Dickinson poems from memory. Since 2001, she has been executive director of the Poetry Society of America, where, among other duties, she oversaw Poetry in Motion—you know, the poems program responsible for delivering surprising pleasures (or occasional bewilderment) among the subway ads on our daily commute."

It seems that these moving gems are being replaced by a new program called "Train of Thought", which features snippets from famous works of literature, philosophy and science - and the gloves have come off. Given the choice, I'd keep Poetry in Motion. When I rode the subway way back when, I always felt lifted up out of the slough every time I saw a rhyming couplet or heard Emily Dickinson asking my soul if it was going to toss again, or Auden telling me to stop all the clocks. Plus poets are a scrappy, hardscrabble lot - seriously, can you imagine Dylan Thomas asking you to step outside after he'd had a few too many?

Dec 6, 2009

Algorithms and Blues...

"It was wonderful, to see how, after only a few turns, the colors became mixed, apparently in random fashion. It was tremendously satisfying to watch this color parade. Like after a nice walk when you have seen many lovely sights you decide to go home, after a while I decided it was time to go home, let us put the cubes back in order. And it was at that moment that I came face to face with the Big Challenge: What is the way home?"

That was how the twenty-nine year old Erno Rubik described the first time he tried out his invention in the spring of 1974, and discovered it wasn't so easy to realign the colors to match on all six sides. He wasn't sure he would ever be able to do it, and theorized that by randomly twisting the cube he would never succeed. He began working out a solution, starting with aligning the eight corner cubes. He discovered certain sequences of moves (called algorithms) for rearranging just a few cubes at a time, and within a month, he had the puzzle solved.

I find it fascinating that Rubik's initial attraction to inventing the cube was not in producing the best-selling toy puzzle in history. It was the structural design problem that interested him, most specifically: how could the blocks move independently without falling apart? Rubik's initial attempt to use elastic bands failed - his ultimate solution was to have the blocks hold themselves together by their shape. Rubik hand carved and assembled the cubes together. He marked each side of the big cube with adhesive paper of a different color, and started twisting.

I picked up a Rubik's Cube for the first time in at least twenty years the other day and despaired. But with the help of a couple of YouTube videos, I finally managed to solve it for the first time in my life. It took about 5 hours, and I felt like I had somehow redeemed my misspent youth.

As I was uploading this picture I thought: how about a New Yorker-style photo caption challenge - the best one wins an Uppityshirt? Here's ours: "Rubik's PC Cube"

Dec 2, 2009

Do you see what I hear?

Just got back from spending Thanksgiving in the city of steel and ketchup and wanted to let you know how we keep the peace on our long drive besides the usual candy, bribes, toys, tears and drama: audiobooks. Sure the kids all have their own Ninetendo DS's and iTouches, and a portable DVD player, but we've found audiobooks to be a great shared-learning experience. The first one we rented, for the trip last year, Hatchet, by Gary Paulsen, is about a boy who is traveling up to Canada to visit his father, when the pilot of the small plane he's riding in has a heart attack and dies. The boy crash lands the plane himself and then survives in the wilderness alone for almost 2 months, while avoiding most of the easy cliches this type of story usually throws out.

The audiobook we bought for this year, by L.A. Meyer, is called Bloody Jack: Being an Account of the Curious Adventures of Mary 'Jacky' Faber, Ship's Boy. I'll quote Publisher's Weekly's review - "'I prays for deliverance,' confides Mary Faber, orphaned at eight years old by a pestilence that relegates her to a life of begging and petty crime on the streets of London. After her gang's leader is killed, she dons his clothing, trading in the name Mary for Jack, and takes to the high seas aboard the HMS Dolphin. Meyer evokes life in the 18th-century Royal Navy with Dickensian flair. He seamlessly weaves into Jacky's first-person account a wealth of historical and nautical detail at a time when pirates terrorized the oceans. Interspersed are humorous asides about her ongoing struggle to maintain 'The Deception', while she earns her titular nickname in a clash with pirates and survives a brief stretch as a castaway before her true identity is discovered."

We were so engrossed that when we got home we made a fire in the living room and sat in front of the computer listening to the last hour or so. I was reminded of the old days when families used to gather around the radio to hear tales of adventure and imagination.

Nov 27, 2009

True Colors.

Crayola crayons have 99% name recognition in U.S. households, and are the 18th most familiar smell for adults, trailing number 1 coffee and number 2 peanut butter, but beating out cheese, butter and bleach. The taste is familiar too, it seems: who doesn't have a childhood memory of eating them at least once?

Check out this Wikipedia entry for a list of all the Crayola colors (and flavors) ever made. Pay special attention to the "Magic Scents" section featuring "New Car" and "Fresh Air", and the "Silly Scents" section, including the classic "Alien Armpit".

Nov 13, 2009

Use your Head.

When I was growing up my dad would always ask us (me, my brothers and our friends) "Dollar Questions" and if we got the answer right he'd give us a buck, which back then wasn't nothing. I always thought this was a great idea, separating the wheat from the chaff pretty quickly, especially when it came to girlfriends, so I've kept up the tradition in my house. Over the years I've honed my own list down to a few dozen or so, and thought I would turn 10 of them into an Uppityshirts contest, which I'm calling "10 Common Cents Questions".

Most are straightforward and easy; some are tricky; a few are painful.

1. What was the largest island in the world before Australia was discovered?

2. Who was the only man to play for the Red Sox, Bruins and Celtics?

3. If you go directly south from Detroit, MI what is the first country you run into?

4. Solve this simple equation: Ba + 2Na = ?

5. Who was the only man to have his number retired by his team, as well as every other team in his sport?

6. When a person is executed for a capital crime, what is written on his death certificate as the 'cause of death'?

7. What is the fewest number of pitches a pitcher can throw in a 9-inning Major League Baseball game and win?

8. Who is the only U.S. President whose first language was not English?

9. Why has there never been a Blue Moon in Saudi Arabia?

10. 'Head' as a slang word for cattle, and 'wheels' to describe a car are examples of what figure of speech?

The 10th person to send the correct answer to "The Answers are Obvious" will receive 2 Uppityshirts, and some (unneeded) Smart Pills.

Nov 12, 2009

Go Fish.

Einstein supposedly came up with this riddle (also known as the Zebra Puzzle) and said that 98% of the population wouldn't be able to solve it. To our readers, of course, it's a trivial challenge of inferential logic. Since anyone can easily get the answer on the internet, we aren't going to make this a contest per se - but we would like to hear what you think. Send your take on it to: "Einstein's Fish."

There are no tricks or gimmicks, just 1,2,3...

1. In a street there are five houses, painted five different colours.

2. In each house lives a person of different nationality.

3. These five homeowners each drink a different kind of beverage, smoke a different brand of cigarette, and keep a different pet.

The question: who owns the fish?

Fish Illustration copyright © 2009 Michael Manomivibul.

HINTS

1. The Brit lives in a red house. 2. The Swede keeps dogs as pets. 3. The Dane drinks tea. 4. The green house is next to, and on the left of the white house. 5. The owner of the green house drinks coffee. 6. The person who smokes Pall Malls rears birds. 7. The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhills. 8. The man living in the center house drinks milk. 9. The Norwegian lives in the first house. 10. The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats. 11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhills. 12. The man who smokes Blue Masters drinks beer. 13. The German smokes Prince. 14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house. 15. The man who smokes Blends has a neighbour who drinks water.

Nov 11, 2009

(Black and) White Album.

I'm not a Beatles fan, never really was, but I listened to the White Album from start to finish on a recent car trip to Massachusetts on a clear, starry night with the top down, alone, and I came to the conclusion that I still don't like them very much. Obvious genius, and they are such a part of pop culture they're inescapably cliche. But give me word men like Springsteen or Dylan any day.

Then I happened to hear Renee Fleming singing a bluesy 'In My Life' which I didn't recognize right away, but then slowly I had an epiphany: I like the Beatles's music enormously, especially the lyrics, I just don't like them. I downloaded some other covers - the one that bowled me over was Fiona Apple's 'Across the Universe,' an incredibly moving and sadder, deeper song than I imagined.

Check out these Top 10 Beatles Cover Songs and then download a few from iTunes. Listen with new ears.

Once an english major, always an english major: I love them even more flowcharted. Thanks to loveallthis.tumblr.com. Lyrics © Sony ATV.

Nov 11, 2009

Stars and Stripes Forever.

Veteran's Day got me thinking about our great country and seeing a huge flag flying from a crane by the side of the road I was reminded of a Jasper Johns Exhibit I went to last year at the Met - it was entitled something obvious like "Gray" and showed a clutch of his works that were slight variations on a monochrome theme: conventional symbols reinterpreted as visual objects, outside of context and absent color, as anti-indexical art.

The show's over, but some of his paintings are on permanent display at the Met, and there are a few at MOMA too - check them out next time you're in the city.

Jasper Johns lives in Sharon, Connetiquette so there is a connection to Uppityshirts, however laughable and circumstantial: we're neighbors. His American Flag series ('Flag, 1958' above) has become iconic of course; extraordinarily simple, bold and provocative - long may it wave.

Oct 25, 2009

Too Cool for School.

Went up to parent-teacher night on Friday figuring I'd just hang out in the back of the classroom smoking cigarettes, figuratively speaking, and try to look flip and louche. The teacher comes in and says we all have to sit at our child's desk, and of course Jane's is right up in the front row! (I felt like Bob Uecker.)

Anyway, after the presentation of the kindergarten syllabus, and questions (most of which were about Harrison's peanut allergy and Jennifer's lactose intolerance requirements) and the introduction of class moms and aides and even the "class counselor," everybody starts mingling. I get up and try to sneak out the back door, if you know what I mean. Hat tip to Lisa Bigelow who told me this was known as an "Irish Exit."

Just as I'm almost home free the teacher comes back in and we're suddenly face to face in the doorway. Pay attention, the following exchange is the story of my life.

Miss P. - "Aren't you hot in that leather jacket?"

Me - "Thanks!"

Sept 15, 2009

High Flyering.

We've decided to go out into the streets this week to revisit an old-school direct advertising method (flyer under the windshield wiper) to get the word out. It still seems to work, which is not surprising, but what has struck us most is the dearth of antennas sticking up/out of vehicles. There seems to be almost nothing to hang an idea on anymore - in the real world at least - except (perceived) novelty.

Sept 14, 2009

"Emotional Cripple."

I ran down to Georgetown Liquor to pick up some expensivo vino for my wife (she was having some of her friends over) last Friday afternoon. I'm standing in line behind an old skinny guy buying a pack of Marlboro's (red) and a pint of MD 20/20 and I'm thinking: the dude's going to party tonight! Anyway, I went out to my huge SUV monster in Beluga (as in whale) Black and there's a lady standing there with her hands on her hips. Not to stereo-type, but I noticed her Prius had a 'HOPE' bumper sticker. On it.

Before I proceed with the (brief) exchange, let me just say I had 5 kids in the "Palin Special", all hungry, 2 of them in car seats, 2 others who shoulda been, and one in the front passenger seat, unbuckled. And did I mention that I look like Keith Richards - on a good day? Anyway, judge for yourselves readers:

Ms. Dogood: "What's YOUR handicap?"

Me, glancing at the 'Handicap Parking Only' sign and then back to meet her eyes, icy knives skinning me alive: “I can't read.”

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